Yes, You Can Actually Learn Something on an Aaron Spelling Show About Wealthy, Spoiled Teens
And no, I’m not talking about the horrific reboot with that dopey Wilson family and the “revamped” (and clearly sucky) Peach Pit with Dr. Pepper signs everywhere. (We get it, crappy reboot . . . Dr. Pepper was a sponsor.) I’m talking about the original show, that glorious gold that ran from 1990 until 2000. It’s not exactly the bastion of superiority as far as t.v. goes but there is so much goodness and judginess and horrific fashion, you must watch.
Here you go. You can thank me later.
* Minnesota residents really hate Californians.
* It is possible to hear “Losing My Religion” way, way too many times.
*Anybody who is anyone has a nose job for their fifteenth birthday.
* If you get into a club while underage, don’t leave your friends behind. And don’t order a banana daiquiri, for God’s sake.
* No mother-daughter fashion show is complete without your hostess doing a bump or ten in the ladies room and then becoming a coked out mess behind the mic.
* Ross Weber needs to keep a blanket in his car.
* California University is the best school ever. Get a degree simply by driving through the parking lot and honking.
* West Beverly High is pretty close – – you can decide in January or February of your junior year that you want to graduate in May with your friends and manage to pull that off by taking “a few extra classes.”
* You can be underage and still own and manage The Peach Pit After Dark. Successfully.
* Being in rehab by sixteen, while living on your own in a suite at the Bel Age Hotel makes you a perfect catch as a boyfriend. The father in prison is an added bonus.
* Any college student running a radio show and wearing a beret is guaranteed to be putting crystal meth in their orange juice.
* If you think you have the stomach flu “that’s going around” while looking eight months pregnant, you’re probably pregnant.
* Early 1990s fashions were really pretty fucking horrible.
* Wearing a suit to college classes in 1994 was not only acceptable but encouraged.
* Hot pants may not be the most practical attire to wear while trimming your Christmas tree.
* A retrospective on your high school’s senior class will only contain information and footage about the Hillsters (i.e., cool kids who can actually be raving a-holes) and will be presented by the Hillsters.
* Screwing your college professor’s wife is probably not a good idea.
* Getting involved with a cult is probably not a good idea.
* Living with an “artist” who has a coke problem is probably not a good idea.
* Wearing flannel and high tops on the beach in summer is probably not a good idea (and really ugly.)
* Cheating on your boyfriend with his best friend, who is also the brother of one of your good friends, may not end well.
* Being a strip mall attorney, even in Beverly Hills, may not be a very glamorous, exciting job although you do get some awesome sweater vests out of it.
* Everyone should have a big poster of a pasta fork in their kitchen.